Sunday, June 17, 2007

Mark Hutchinson writes about trouble-shooting Apple's OS, in the year 2030.

IN THE YEAR 2030,
THE YOUNG HOTSHOT
AT MY OFFICE TRIES
TO WALK ME THROUGH
"CENTAUR," APPLE'S NEW
MIND-ORB-BASED
OPERATING SYSTEM.

BY MATTHEW DUVERNE HUTCHINSON

- - - -

ME: For some reason, I can't get this report orb to beam.

HOTSHOT: Well, go ahead and materialize the topaz orb first. That should launch your facefield preferences.

ME: OK, here goes ... Wait, remind me, how do I get to the topaz orb? Sorry, I knew how to do this just a second ago—I imagine a shape, right?

HOTSHOT: Kind of. Defocus your eyes and visualize a beam of light illuminating a rhombus. That will materialize the topaz orb.

ME: Hmm ... It's still not working.

HOTSHOT: OK, let's back up a step. Which wormhole did you do your push-up in?

ME: I'm pretty sure it was Wormhole Gamma. But I did a sit-up. Does a sit-up not work?

HOTSHOT: Oh, you did a sit-up? (Smirk.) Yeah. That's probably why it's not working. Try it again.

(I lie down and do a push-up. Immediately, a lifelike 3-D porno hologram materializes in my cubicle with the volume turned way up. Co-workers begin to gather. The hologram depicts me naked on the plank of a pirate spaceship with our company's robot intern, Suzanne. The scenario is dirty in a way not yet fully describable in our present age.)

ME: Turn it off!!

HOTSHOT: I can't. You have to double-imagine the red orb to quit out of iPerv.

(I try desperately to materialize the red orb, but instead accidentally launch a hologram chat with my late grandfather from beyond the grave.)

GRANDFATHER HOLOGRAM: Where am I? Who's moved my reading chair?

ME: Granddad, I can explain. Hold on a sec ...

(Swatting at my temples like a fevered gibbon, I accidentally materialize a mastodon diorama, Dabney Coleman, the color green, and John Coltrane's Giant Steps album.)

4 comments:

Greybishop said...

"dirty in a way not yet fully describable in our present age"

Awesome.

Lady-in-Gray said...

Hilarious, Sawsee! Did you write this?

Sawsee said...

I can't take the credit for writing this; I found it on McSweeney's site. I thought it was quite funny!

After reading/watching GB's posts of the Hoyt family, I have experienced a wide range of emotions today!

Greybishop said...

Sawsee -
Team Hoyt is pretty amazing. Chokes me up every time.

"dirty in a way not yet fully describable in our present age" does a pretty good job of clearing out the teary eyes though...